![]() Zeus became jealous of the humans joy, so he decided to split them all in two. Everyone had four arms, four legs, and two heads, and spent their days in blissful contentment. The children of the sun, who were fully male, and the children of the earth, who were fully female. The children of the moon, who were half male and half female. “According to Aristophanes, there were originally 3 sexes. PHEIDIPPIDES: Is he…under a curse? ME: No.” Hey, look at that old guy with the beard! Pretty inspiring, huh? Still shuffling around after all these years. ![]() Do this or you will be killed.” ME: No, they just signed up. PHEIDIPPIDES: But surely, a general or king has said to them, “You must do this. It’s like, you know, a way of testing yourself. PHEIDIPPIDES: But then…who has forced them to do this? ME: No one. Sound familiar? PHEIDIPPIDES: What message do they carry…and to whom? ME: Oh, they’re not messengers. ME: Hey, here come the runners! Wooooh! PHEIDIPPIDES: Who are these people? Where are they going? ME: From one end of New York to the other. So I recited my simple message, and then, with my final breath, I prayed to the gods that no human being, be he Greek or Persian, would ever again have to experience so horrible an ordeal. I could actually feel my life slipping away. ME: How did you feel when you finally reached your destination? PHEIDIPPIDES: I was already on the brink of death when I entered the senate hall. I begged him, “Please, don’t make me do this.” But he hardened his heart and told me, “You must.” And so I ran the distance, and it caused my death. ME: How did it come about? PHEIDIPPIDES: My general gave the order. ME: So, Pheidippides: What was it like to run the first “marathon”? PHEIDIPPIDES: It was the worst experience of my life. I thought it would be neat to bring Pheidippides to a modern-day marathon and talk to him about his awesome legacy. He died from exhaustion, but his memory lives on thanks to the “marathon,” a twenty-six-mile footrace named in his honor. “Marathon In 490 B.C., a Greek messenger named Pheidippides ran twenty-six miles, from Marathon to Athens, to bring the senate news of a battle. Me: Is this.Am I on TV? Is this a prank show? Unless, of course, there's some kind of graphing calculator! ![]() We could have jumped straight to graphing. ![]() All this time I've been thinking, "Well, this is pretty hard and frustrating but I guess these are useful skills to have." Meanwhile, there was a whole bin of these things in your desk. The past three years have been a total farce. Teacher: If a farmer farms five acres of land a day. Me: What the hell else do you have back there? A magical pen that writes book reports by itself? Some kind of automatic social studies worksheet that.that fills itself out? What the hell is going on? Teacher: Okay, everyone, today we're going to go over some word problems. Me: You.you knew about this machine all along, didn't you? This whole time, while we were going through this.this charade with the pencils and the line paper and the stupid multiplication tables!.I'm sorry for shouting.It's just.I'm a little blown away. You enter in the problem and press equal. Me: You mean this device just.does them? By itself? Teacher: Simple operations, like multiplication and division. Teacher: From now on we'll be using calculators. Everyone take a calculator out of the bin. Teacher: All right, children, welcome to fourth grade math. “I still remember the day I got my first calculator ![]()
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